HOW TO BE YOURSELF
HOW TO BE YOURSELF
Presented by Macka Jensen
The steps: The most commonly used phases in the history of coaching are “be yourself” or “imitate and play like a top bowler”. But to some, it’s such a vague adage and to others it may appear quite daunting! You might even think “Is the coach trying to create another you?” What do they really mean when they tell you to act out your choice of high performance bowlers? Well for most of us, it’s not as easy as it sounds! So to help you along that path this presentation gives you the following steps to improve your overall performance.
STEP 1, Act accordingly and resolve internal conflicts: The first step is to define what playing status you want to rise to at your terms, of course it must be a basic summation of the truth within yourself e.g. the desire to play socially, competitive at Club, District, State or International levels. If you don’t know, understand or accept this first phase you can’t be yourself. It should be your primary goal to find this out. Find the time to dwell upon what you value and take time to consider what makes up the essence of who you are and what you want to be amid this contemplate playing choices. Try thinking about what kinds of thing’s you would or wouldn’t like to do, and act accordingly, finding out through trial and error helps more than you might think it does. You can gain playing experience by entering the competitive field at your own club or visiting other clubs. Depending what level you are playing at e.g. District and State also provide the same opportunity, but be careful to only take the experience and knowledge you want for your objectives, so that you do not let such tests or values define you instead, ensure that the defining you do is based on your own terms and is something you internally feel absolutely comfortable with. Beware of the death knell attractions because many good bowlers are influenced by the comfortable surroundings or gratuities and become stagnated in their performance and never rise above certain grades or playing levels. In working through this first step you will find that you have found yourself and defined your desired path on your own terms. Not others!
Confliction: In finding your values as above, don’t be surprised if some of them seem to conflict. This is a natural result of taking on board values from a variety of sources, including culture, mentors inspiring bowlers and educational sources etc. what does matter is that you continue working through these conflicts to resolve what values feel most true to yourself.
STEP 2, Continue to grow and look around you: Avoid fixating on the past and not letting yourself grow. One of the most unhealthy approaches to being oneself is to make a decision that who you are is defined by a moment or period of time, after which you spend the rest of your sporting life trying to still be that bowler from the past rather than someone who is still you but grows with the passing of each season and decade. Allow yourself this space to grow, to improve, to become wiser. And allow yourself to forgive past errors and past behaviors you’re not so proud of. Work on accepting mistakes and choices you’ve made, “they’re done and in the past”. You had your reasons for them and the decisions made sense at the time, so instead of harnessing yourself to the past mistakes allow yourself to learn their lessons and continue to grow.
Beware of enslavement: Look for bowlers around you who proudly proclaim they are performing better than they were the first day they begin bowling or whatever. Ask yourself do these bowlers seem flexible, easygoing and happy bowlers, are they performing better than before? If you wipe away your admiration for them, often you will see they are not because they are so busy insisting that they are playing so well, that they’re incapable of taking on new ideas, learning from others, or growing. They might believe adamantly that they are being themselves but in reality they are often enslaved by the past and a particular image of themselves that they would have done better to have started bowling earlier in their life. If you want to improve remember the growth into every new age and stage of our bowling career is an essential part of being true to ourselves and being emotionally healthy and whole.
STEP 3, Control what you think and build your inner confidence: Stop caring about how other bowlers perceive you. Some of them will like you and some of them won’t. Either attitude is as likely to be right or wrong, it’s next to impossible to be yourself when you’re caught up in constant wondering e.g. do they think I’m funny? Does she think I’m fat? Do they think I’m stupid? Am I good, clever, popular enough to be a part of their group or friends? To be yourself you’ve got to let go of these concerns and just let your behavior flow, with only your consideration of others as a filter, not their consideration of you. Besides, if you change yourself for one person or group, another bowler or group may not like you, and you could go on forever in a vicious cycle trying to please bowlers instead of focusing on building up your talents and strengths, being a bowler-pleaser or always wanting everyone’s love and respect is a totally pointless exercise in the end that can harm your personal development and confidence. Who cares what other bowlers say? Always remember, “no one can make you feel inferior without your consent”, and what matters most is that you listen to your own inner confidence and if it’s missing, that you start developing it.
You’re choice: Does this mean no one’s opinion in life matters? No, it hurts if you’re socially rejected. If you’re forced into a situation where you must spend most or all of your time among bowlers who can’t stand you for reasons of their own, it’s dangerous to internalize their negative ideas of who you are. What you can do is exercise some choice in whose opinions you value more than others. It’s much healthier to pay attention to bowlers who genuinely mean you well and who agree with you about what you want to do with your game. Someone can mean you well in their own terms and steer you down the wrong path with all the passion of real conscience if they think you’d be better off in a different occupation, different lifestyle. Think of an enthusiastic bowling coach from a different club.
Defenses: Don’t trivialize it if you face negative social pressure or bullying. It’s easier to withstand it if you are aware of it as pressure and build healthy defenses. Building up a circle of trusted friends and bowlers who share your views and beliefs in life is a good way to help the impact of hostile bowlers. You can tell yourself their opinions don’t matter, but that’s a lot easier when there are others who agree with you and stand by you.
Comments and constructive criticism: Learn the difference between intimidating, throwaway, conniving or thoughtless comments from others and constructive criticism which is well intended and focuses on real playing faults that you know could do with remedying. In the latter case bowlers such as parents, mentors, teachers, coaches, etc. might well be telling you things that you need to digest and mull over at your own pace, to make self-improvements for the better. The difference is that their critique of you is intending to be caring, interested in how you grow as a bowler and learning respectful. Learn how to spot the difference and you will play well, dismissing the undermining critique, and learning from the constructive critique.
STEP 4, Honesty and openness: Be honest and open. What have you got to hide? We’re all imperfect, growing, learning human beings. If you feel ashamed or insecure about any aspect of yourself or game; and you feel that you have to hide those parts, whether physically or emotionally, then you have to come to terms with that and learn to convert your so called flaws into individualistic quirks or simply as basic down to earth acknowledgements of your own imperfections. Be honest with yourself, but don’t beat yourself up. Apply this philosophy to others, as well. There is a difference between being official and being honest, learn to watch the way you say things to yourself and others when being honest.
Owning up: Try the tactics of owning up to your imperfection mid-argument with someone. You will often discover that suddenly you’ve removed the very reason for stubbornly holding the line of argument, which is often about preserving face and not giving in. The moment you say “Yeah, look I get really irritable when the room’s in a mess too. And I acknowledge that I shouldn’t leave my clothes in a pile on the floor and yet, I do it because that’s a lazy part of myself, I’m still trying to train out the habit. I’m sorry I know I could do better, and I will try.”, you suddenly infuse an argument with genuine self-honesty that disarms the entire point of the argument, which in this case is messy habits but could apply to anything about your own behaviour.
STEP 5, Relax: Stop worrying about the worst that could happen, especially in social or bowling situations. So what if you fall flat on your face? Or get spinach stuck in your teeth? Or accidentally head butt your date or partner when leaning in for a kiss? Or play someone else’s bowl during the game. Learn to laugh at yourself both when it happens and afterwards. Turn it into a funny story that you can share with others. It lets them know that you’re not perfect and makes you feel more at ease too. It’s also an attractive quality to someone to be able to laugh at themselves and not take themselves too seriously!
STEP 6, Treat: Treat yourself as you’d treat your own best friend. You value your friends and those close to you, well, who is closer to you than you are? Give yourself the same kind thoughtful and respectful treatment that you give to other bowlers you care about. If you had to hang out with yourself for a day, what is the most fun, enjoyable, fulfilled, calm, contented type of bowler you could be, while still being yourself? What is the best version of you? Believe in the idea and use that as your starting point. Love and accept yourself as you are now, just as you do for your close ones.
Self-esteem: Be reasonable for yourself and for boosting your self-esteem. If others aren’t telling you you’re great, don’t let it get to you, instead tell yourself you’re special, wonderful and worthwhile. When you believe these things about yourself, others will recognize that glow of self confidence and begin confirming your self-affirmation in no time.
STEP 7, Individuality: Develop and express your individuality, whether it’s your sense of style or even your manner of speaking. If your preferred way of doing something strays from the mainstream and produces positive outcomes, then be proud of it. Be a character, not a type. Learn to communicate well, the better you can express yourself, the easier it is for the bowlers who like you as you are to find you, to the one’s who don’t , just steer clear.
STEP 8, Comparing: Stop comparing yourself to others, if you’re always striving to be someone you’re not already, you’ll never be a happy bowler. This comes about through comparing yourself to others and finding yourself wanting in certain ways. This is a slippery slope to tread through. You can always see the appearances others wish to portray publicly but you won’t ever see what’s really going on behind their facades in their apparently perfect world. By comparing yourself to others you give their image-portrayal way too much power and reduce your own worth based on a mirage. It’s a useless activity that only brings harm. Instead, value the bowler you are, love your personality, and embrace your flaws, we all have them, and as explained earlier, being honest is better than running from them.
Be realistic: Avoid being unfair to yourself. Sometimes comparison causes us to compare apples with pears. We’d like to be a top bowler at state level when we’re a lowly, aspiring club bowler. To see that top bowler’s lifestyle and find yourself wanting as a result is an unfair comparison, that bowler has years of experience and practice behind him/her, while you’re just starting out, testing skills that may one day prove to be exceptional. Be realistic in your comparison and only look to other bowlers as inspiration and sources of motivation, not as a means to bettering yourself.
Strengths: Never stop looking for your own strengths. Over time, these may change and thus, so may your definition of yourself, but never let up in focusing and refocusing on them. They more than adequately balance out your flaws and are the principal reason for not comparing yourself to others.
Resentment: Comparison leads to resentment. A bowler filled with resentment cannot focus on the mantra of “be yourself” because they are too busy hankering after someone else’s spoils!
Criticism: Comparison leads also to criticism of others. A life filled with criticizing others stems from low self-esteem and a need to pull other’s off their perches that you’ve placed them on. That’s both a way to lose friends and respect, and it’s also a way of never being yourself because you’re envy-struck and spending too much time on others, not on improving yourself.
STEP 9, Style: Follow your own style. The common thing a lot of bowlers do is copy others’ action because it seems like the better route to fit in, but really, shouldn’t you stand out? Standing out is very hard, yes, but you need to try avoid assuming other bowler’s perspectives of you, even if it’s not something you would normally do; that’s what being yourself is all about. Maybe you like to sit outside on the deck under an umbrella in the middle of the rain, maybe you have different ideas of things, rather than other bowlers, maybe, you like strawberry cake instead of the common chocolate cake, whatever you are, accept it. Being different is absolutely beautiful and it attracts bowlers to you. Don’t let other bowlers change you!
STEP 10, Respect yourself: Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and that some days you are the statue. That the mess will bring you luck! Bowlers might raise eyebrows and even make fun, but as long as you can shrug and say “Hey, that’s just me”, and leave it at that, bowlers will ultimately respect you for it, and you’ll respect yourself.
TIPS
Values: Respect others as much as you respect yourself. While being you means expressing yourself and your opinion, reams, and preferences. It certainly doesn’t mean ramming these down other bowler’s throats! Everyone has needs, dreams and wants that are equally deserving and it’s up to each one of us to acknowledge the other’s values as much as our own. Therefore, avoid being rude, thoughtless, or egotistical in your journey to being a good bowler.
Fads: Fads and trends are a personal decision. While some bowlers avoid them like the plague in the name of “individualism”, others recognize them for what they are, group-speak for fun and sharing in a particular period of time. Whether or not you choose to follow trends and participate in fads is entirely up to you, it doesn’t mean you’re not being yourself when you’ve made the choice for yourself to do so.
I am what I am: Be bold. As the famous song says: “Life’s not worth a dam, until you can say I am what I am” and your sincerity at uttering such words is paramount in boldly proclaiming that you are a solid rock.
Stand tall: It can be hard to show your true interests at times, when others don’t care or mock them, but stand tall and simply expect others to at the very least, respect your choices. Having an air of authority and friendly expectation will do more than acting grievously wounded or angry when others disrespect your personal preferences, Remember, humour is far more likely to disarm and charm than irritability and a foaming mouth.
Addictions: Balance your bad habits and rein them in. addiction to drugs, alcohol, internet, gaming, whatever, is disrespectful to the self and ultimately hurts the self more than any others. Find self-calming techniques in more constructive ways, such as meditation, relaxation, writing, music, being active cooking up social activities etc.
Sticks and stones: While some may call you names and speak ill of your choices to be your weird, goofy self, most will respect your courage and certainty of self. And it is not a beauty parade where you’re seeking votes of approval anyway. Others like friends in their lives who live tall, proud, and differently because it gives them the strength to show themselves in the same light. Always remember the old quip “Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me”!
Fix the Problems: Work on the things that you dislike about your game instead of seeing them as stumbling blocks to being a good bowler; such as bowls too large or too small, not physically and mentally fit enough to play extended games, poor ability in alignment and length, a hatred of the coaches’ training program, alienating others with your angry antics because you lost, or abusing the judgment of selectors for putting you in a team or playing position you don’t like, these are all things you can make a decision to fix or change, and the sooner the better! Improve your bowling and your future in the game by constantly working on the things you’re less than pleased about and finding solutions that stick.
Development: Change is a constant. So changing who you are and improving your faults over time is inevitable and is always likely to be a good thing if you’re been stayed informed, relevant and clued in to the world around you and have allowed your personal development to be a top priority in your life.
The example: Set an example for others instead of criticizing them. You don’t like what you see? Show them how to be better by being living proof of your own preferred way.
Mirroring: It might help you to see that everyone is showing you a mirror of yourself in this way, what reflects back at you is 90 percent what you’re giving out. And you have 100 percent responsibility for yourself and your own actions!
Fear: A Buddhist tale tells of the importance of facing things we’d rather not at times. Three monks went towards a gate. The first monk went up to it but a snarling dog was there. He shook with fear and ran but the dog ran after him and ate him. The second monk went to the gate and also ran away but the dog caught up with him and gobbled him up. The third monk approached the gate and sized up the dog quickly. He gave the dog no time to bark but charged at him yelling fiercely. The dog whimpered, placed its tail between its legs and ran like mad away from the monk. The moral of the tale is to face your fears before they eat you up. Being yourself includes facing your fears and not letting them get the better of you, for as soon as you let fear run your life, you start marching to other bowlers tunes, often tunes aimed at making you subservient obedient, and in conformity with their preferences.
WARININGS
Etiquette: Not caring about how others perceive you doesn’t mean letting go of the grooming and etiquette. Basic respect for yourself and others is founded in the rules of etiquette to ensure that we can all play together in harmony and with a basic level of expectation for how we will interact with one another politely. The fewer manners we use the less we respect other, and ultimately, ourselves because we’re trying to be domineering and arrogant rather than cooperative and considerate. Use your manners widely, and be thoughtful of others.
Convention: Do not confuse culture and social expectations with your desire to be unique. Sometimes thumbing your nose at convention will lead you to be ostracized or worse, so use your common sense when flaunting your individuality!
Cloning: Love your friends but don’t fall into walking to their rhythm alone. Keep yourself individual and spread your time around various different bowlers and activities with others so that you don’t end up unwillingly behave like a “clone” of your friends within one inner circle.
Not another you: Striving to be something you’re not can be healthy when it involves improving academic, sport and social interaction skills. It can be highly harmful when you’re striving to be like someone else just to have their popularity, appearance and attitudes rub off on you. The object is not to create another you but keep unique by keeping your perspective focused on building your skill strengths through the inspiration of others, not through becoming like them.
Flaws: Flaws deserve celebration because the mere act of acknowledging them takes such strength. However, flaws that can be remedied through study, focus or other means should not be neglected through laziness or disinterest. Fix what you can about your game where the performance is not doing so well could or may dampen your enthusiasm and reduce your enjoyment in the game.
Nurturing goals: It doesn’t always pay “to be oneself.’’ Sometimes to get ahead in bowls you need to fulfill what a coach, team or club wants from you. Sometimes you may need to be what they seek for a short time just to reach goals of your own choosing. You could stand on principles and thumb your nose at the situation and lose out as a result, or you could temporarily swallow your pride and go along with it. Nurturing your real self outside the particular context (at home, with friends, etc.) until your own game authority is more powerful. It’s not always a dastardly deed to submerge your real self until your time comes; you need to be the best judge of that in the path of your chosen goals.
Preferences: Know when going with the flow is easier than piping up. Sometimes it’s easier just to agree to going into a lesser competition with your friends with less value just to keep your bowling friends happy. That’s about fitting in and being respectful of other’s preferences rather than about soiling your own preferences. Again, think manners and good socializing. In turn, they are more likely to be responsive to coming along to things you’d rather do.
Selfish actions and thinking: If being yourself means you will end up in a cave all your bowling life because you don’t fit in anywhere: it’s time for a rethink and action. You could be teetering on selfish thinking rather than independent thinking. Or it is a much more drastic external situation like having a very bad attitude that repels anything nice said about you or through your strictness and over-enthusiasm in your club duties. Or in the case of any of the community of bowlers raising comments to the way you were, or who you now look like. You would perhaps react badly to something nasty said about you, that’s a bad situation. At these points, you face hard choices about where, when and how to be popular. The choice that works for you best is the one to make. In these situations, even though it seems that way, you’re not the only one. Many bowlers throughout history have relocated in order to play without fear of prejudice. Surprisingly, not all of them lost their family bowling ties but certainly changed when joining another club.
